The Aftermath
by ChloeHollingsworth
Summary: Chris deals with the aftermath of Emily's death.


_Even though you're gone and far away_

_I feel you all around_

Chris still could not grasp that Emily was gone. He'd be driving around and look to his passenger seat, expecting to see her sitting there. He'd find himself wondering what Emily was doing while sitting in his room, before remembering that she was gone. He'd wait outside her classes, even though he knew she wouldn't come out. He just couldn't accept it.

_I think about it every single day_

_You got away somehow_

She was always on his mind. He could be doing anything, but no matter what his thoughts would always drift back to her. Without fail, she always the first thing he thought of when he awoke in the morning and the last thing he thought of when he went to sleep at night.

_I can't sleep, it's hard to breathe_

_And I still feel you next to me_

He hadn't been sleeping well. He'd wake up in the middle of the night, drenched in sweat, after a nightmare. Every single night it was the same nightmare. Actually, it was a memory. He'd see her holding the gun. He'd feel her press the heavy metal into his hands. He'd see himself hold the gun to her temple, see her pale skin dent in a little where the object pressed against her head. He could feel the tears streaming down his face. He'd feel her hands reach up on top of his. He could imagine how slick the metal felt in his sweaty palms. He could hear her voice, telling him to do it. He could remember having a million thoughts in his head at one time, making it impossible to think. Then there would be a gunshot. And he could feel himself falling. His entire world crumbling.

After those dreams, he always found it difficult to breathe. He felt a if there was cinder block sitting on his chest, preventing him from getting the much needed oxygen.

_Now I can see_

_The first one is the worst one_

_When it comes to a broken heart_

_Your first love, yeah, your soul's gone_

_And you feel like a falling star_

Chris knew, no matter what, he'd never be able to forget her. Every time he met another girl, all he could do was compare her to Emily. No one would ever be that perfect, he knew that. They say you'll never forget your first love, it changes you forever. Chris knew this to be true. He'd forever be in love with Emily and nobody would be able to replace her or fill that hole she left in his heart.

_There's a fire in the city that's burning out tonight_

_And you're breathing but you're buried alive_

_The first one is the worst one when it comes _

_When it comes to a broken heart_

He was alive. He was well and breathing, but he might as well have been dead. Emily might be the one in the casket, but they might as well dig another grave for him as well. Without her, he simply wasn't living. He had a pulse, but he had died along with Emily that night. Everyone knew it.

_Spinning like a movie in my head I've seen a thousand times_

_I've learned to take it hard and fall instead_

_Of sitting safe on the sidelines_

_Lost days, pictures fade, somehow you're still miles away_

He kept replaying memories in his head. Looking for something he could have said or done to change her mind. He looked for that one significant moment where she had become suicidal. He never found it. He realized it all just became too much for her. The snowball effect.

'_Cause I would walk through a thunderstorm_

_Just to kiss you, I'm out here on my own_

_Better now that I was before_

_But I miss you and I want you to know. _

Chris would give anything to have her back. To go back to how things were before all this happened, but he can't and he knows it. He hasn't gotten over it, but he has moved on with his life. It is hard, but he's trying. He still can't date anyone else, isn't even remotely interested in doing so, but he can finally let others in. Bottom line: he misses her and will _always_ love her.

**Lyrics are italicized. They're from First One by Boys like Girls**

**First songfic. I hope you enjoyed it. It's something I just whipped up real quick.**

**Was thinking of doing more songfics for this book. Anyone think it's a good idea?**

**Let me know your thoughts(:**


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